Losers and Winners

I had been putting it off. Now circumstances dictated that I could put it off no longer. So, while driving my kindergartner to school this morning I decided we had to have The Talk. No not that talk. The always-be-gracious-in-defeat talk. I tried to ease into it as I backed out of the driveway.

Jackie, remember the story that I told you 5 weeks ago about the two brothers Benny and Bobby who each wanted to be president of your class.

And we voted?

And remember how they each got 5 or 6 votes but it was very close so one of them asked for a recount?

Dad is Al Gore President yet?

I’m coming to that, bubba. Eventually the teacher recounted all the (cough, cough) votes very carefully and Benny won. And you know how Bobby felt when Benny won? He was very angry.

Did he want to punch Benny?

Yes. But we don’t punch. (Even if the other side intimidates poll workers.)

Did he want to call Benny bad names?

Yes. But he didn’t. We don’t resort to ‘ad hominem’ attacks

He stuck him with tacks?

No. I meant it’s not nice to call a person nasty names. (At least that’s what my Republican friends always cry indignantly when I refer to Newt Gingrich as a piece of crap.)

Right on New Hampshire; one mile to school.

…Bobby was so angry he told Benny he would never play with him again. And he wouldn’t eat breakfast or eat lunch with him or ride bikes with him or even stay in the same room with him.

Even though they had bunk beds?

Right. But after a few days he really became miserable and started missing his brother. He had no one to play with. He was still mad about not winning the election for class president but he decided to be a ‘gracious loser’. Do you understand?

Well…

Its OK to be disappointed and even mad about losing an election or a race or a game but its important to be polite and not scream or hit. Maybe the next time Bobby will win and Benny will have to be a gracious loser then. (And Jim Baker will be struck mute.)

Wait at the lights in front of the fire station.

Jackie, I have some bad news for you. Al Gore isn’t going to be President.

Why not?

Well remember the recounts. The judges of the highest court say there’s no more time for recounts.

There was only time to count the votes for Bush?

Not exactly. They counted the votes for both but they were still arguing over how to re-count them and Judge Rehnquist decided that there’s not enough time to count them again.

Is he a bad man?

No he just decided the election had to be over ‘cause it was giving him a back-ache. (I left out the part about the country’s highest judge buying a house with a covenant that prohibited selling to Jews or the mocking tone of his dissent in Roe v. Wade – there’s always first grade for that.) Somebody had to be President now because President Clinton is about to leave his job.

Is George Bush going to cut down all the trees?

I hope not.

(Jackie – originally a ‘Bush supporter’ because Bush was “more handsomer” was persuaded to defect to Gore because I told her Bush would cut down trees and Gore would save them. OK. In the heat of battle I might have said “all trees”.)

Right into the parking lot. Look in the rear view mirror. Jackie’s eyes were glassy. She’s emotionally volatile like me. Her sister is more like her mother.

Will Gore be in the White House too?

No Honey, there can be only one President at a time.

I know that! Are you mad that Bush is going to be President?

Yes. But I’m not going to punch anyone or scream. (Maybe take a lead pipe to the heads of a few Republicans but certainly no screaming.)

So Jackie, do you understand that sometimes we lose and we’re really mad at some of our friends but we still have to be good losers. It’s the same with elections. Sometimes the Republicans might win and sometimes the Democrats might win but we can’t throw things or act out. (Filibuster for four years in the Senate maybe…)

Do we know any ‘publicans?

Yes. Your uncle Joel.

Does he cut down trees?

No. He’s an orthopedic surgeon.

Can I get out of the car now, Dad?

-Evan Morris

Wednesday, December 13, 2000